The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
You Might Also Like
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.