It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My god she’s good.
Art by Pastelkatto
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Stop being racist to kettles.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
channeling her this year
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.