[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
You deplete me
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.