Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
We have a winner.