I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass