I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
You Might Also Like
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside