How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.