Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.