Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
You Might Also Like
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.