Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.