When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
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First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
NASA has no chill
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back