A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…