Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
You Might Also Like
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I drew y’all a little something.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.