I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.