Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Big Sex has us all fooled
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know