*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.