Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
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Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol