Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
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Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
That de-escalated quickly
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.