Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
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“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Does beer think about me too?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…