[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Finally, a door that understands me
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say