10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
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Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
can I use a minion as a tampon
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!