When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.