[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
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I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.