I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
You Might Also Like
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.