Penguins walking in 5x speed
You Might Also Like
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry