I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
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I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]