Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
This cat wants you to take your pills
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.