Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
The Onion called it…again.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.