Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Hotels are back
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom