At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
guys I’m going home
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”