Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
But is it really??
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
#Thanos #MondayMood
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.