Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Isn’t
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again