I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
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I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
whatcha thinkin bout
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.