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My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Love this one 😂🧟
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix