I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Good morning y’all ☀️
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*