Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
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My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”