[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!