I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all