Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
let’s discuss
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: