Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one