I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.