The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
You Might Also Like
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?