*googles how the hell I ended up here*
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and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
this makes me so uncomfortable
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn