There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
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First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My brain is a bad influence on me
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
#FunnyLife Insects
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.