The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
You Might Also Like
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I hope this email punches you square in the face
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”