HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
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People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I had to Stop for this
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.