At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.