My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Woke up against my better judgement again
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME: