Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
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Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.