I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
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Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Message from the dog groomers
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!